Today I was given the opportunity to practice what we all should do in life and that is just “let it go”. Since stress usually plays a pivotal role in anxiety, learning to let things go will help to reduce the amount of times and severity stress sparks your anxiety. The opportunity that presented itself was this morning shortly after my wife left for work. I’ve been home sick for the past few days with a bad cold when she called from her cellphone. It was a little strange because of the time she called. Normally she would have been to work by then and would have called me from work. So naturally I thought the worst things and she said she was in a minor car accident. Apparently some guy not paying attention rear-ended her.

A few months ago we traded in one of our compact cars for an SUV not only for the baby on the way, but also for safety reasons. The driver side headlight area of the sedan hit under the right side, rear bumper area of our car. My wife said that she was barely jolted and that there is very little damage to our car. Now I start thinking is she okay, is the baby okay, etc… She assured me she was fine and was going to finish getting to work and then call the insurance company.

What I wanted to do was quickly get dressed, go down there, really make sure she is okay, and then beat the crap out of the guy who hit her (I’m not an angry person, but the thought of someone hurting my wife makes you want to hurt them). Instead, after getting off the phone with her I took a step back and a deep breath. I said to myself that she is okay, the baby is okay and be thankful that we got the SUV. It was a minor fender bender and everything will work itself out. Now it took a lot of mental strength to accept it like this. For me it tends to be like a dry blade of grass and BREAK when the wind is strong versus a regular blade of grass and BENDING when the wind is strong.

A friend once told me that there is nothing wrong with stress. It is how you deal with stress that determines whether or not it is bad for you and affects you negatively. It is also important to recognize what is in your control and what is not. If I got too angry and drove down to where she was hit it would have accomplished nothing. She is a big girl and can take care of herself and if she tells me she is fine, I believe her.

I think it is possible to apply the “let it go” concept to anxiety as well. Whatever anxious thoughts or feelings you are experiencing, just let them go. As I said before if it was that easy, this blog wouldn’t exist. Why not try letting the feelings and thoughts to flow through you freely instead of trying to go against the grain and resist them? Similar to how you turn into the skid when your car slides on ice, recognize the thoughts/feelings and embrace them. Acknowledge them and move on. Don’t label them or analyze them. Just know they are there and that you are moving on.

“Gardeners are good at nurturing, and they have a great quality of patience, they’re tender. They have to be persistent.” -Ralph Fiennes

When it comes to anxiety there is no neon sign on your forehead letting people know that you are experiencing a panic attack or symptoms of anxiety. You can be in a room with your coworkers, freaking out and no one would have the slightest clue that you are feeling anxious. This is actually a blessing and a curse at the same time. This is an example of the duality and paradoxical unity that I talked about in the 2nd Verse of the Tao Te Ching. On one hand you don’t want the people around you to see that you are anxious due to fear of embarrassment and on the other hand you feel trapped and alone with no one to help you.

The truth is that you are not alone. You have friends, family, coworkers, etc… in your life that are there to help you. When your thoughts are moving at 200 mph and you can’t slow them down, talking with someone and “working them out” will help you break the cycle. They will help you rationalize your thoughts and quell your fears. One of the things I did recently was to have my wife and friend remind me that I am healthy. Since people with anxiety tend to focus on the “What If” instead of the facts, having them repeatedly tell me I am healthy was a big help. The repetition eventually drills down deep enough to prevent your irrational thoughts from gaining full strength.

I’m not suggesting to talk to everyone you know about your anxiety. You should speak to people who are positive, rational thinkers. There is nothing wrong with speaking with other people with anxiety, however, if they are the only people you speak with, you’ll just put yourself in a downward spiral. Just like health forums, they are a breeding ground for negativity. Another thing to be aware of is to not cling and become over dependent to the people who you talk to about your anxiety. They are there to give you pushes in the right direction and not to hold your hand 24/7.

So the next time you are feeling anxious and just want to jump out of your skin, give someone a call or go talk to them. That is what friends and family are for, to be there for each other. You don’t have to struggle with anxiety by yourself anymore.

“We do not so much need the help of our friends as the confidence of their help in need.” -Epicurus

One of the most frustrating aspects of anxiety is the lack of ability to shift your focus. When you are feeling anxious or having anxious thoughts, it feels like being trapped in a revolving door that is spinning too fast to get out. Today my wife sent me a link to listen to the song “Change Your Mind” by Sister Hazel along with the lyrics.

Changing your mind is not an easy task and if it was, people would not have anxiety. It takes practice, courage, and faith (religious or non-religious). In the song he asks “Did you ever think There might be another way? To just feel better, Just feel better about today”. If you are able to Change Your Mind and shift your focus, you will notice your anxiety subside and eventually go away. There are many ways you can accomplish this. One thing I typically use is a pattern breaker.

A pattern breaker is a word or phrase that you can either say in your head or outloud that is designed to get you to stop and slow down for a second. The next time you feel anxious try to say in your head “NO!”. At first you will only stop yourself for a second, but as you keep focusing on it and breaking the pattern, the revolving door in your head will slow down enough for you to walk out.

Another technique is distracting yourself. For some people it’s music or deep breathing or taking a walk. I like to exercise when I am stressed out and anxious. Exercising releases endorphins that help calm your body down and reduce pain. An added bonus is that while exercising and after, I feel a sense of accomplishment that I am doing good things for my body. When I am at work and am unable to go run a few miles I put on upbeat, positive music or motivational audio files such as The Secret and Get The Edge by Tony Robbins. You can actually watch the first 20 minutes of The Secret Here.

There are many techniques that are out there for anxiety. It doesn’t matter which ones work for you, rather it matters that you find a way to Change Your Mind. By shifting your focus and breaking out of the anxiety, you can focus on what is truly important to you. Think about how much time and energy you have given to anxiety and focus on all the great things in your life you are going to use it for now.

“Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus. ” -Alexander Graham Bell

Recently my father forwarded a link to me from Oprah’s website (Click Here To See It) for Dr. Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture”. It was the abridged version of his 80 minute lecture found on YouTube (Click Here To See It). For those of us out there who think something is medically wrong with us, Dr. Pausch actually does. He is dying of Pancreatic Cancer that has since spread to his liver and spleen. His diagnosis is terminal and instead of being an Eeyore he is being a Tigger.

Eeyore is pessimistic, depressed, and deflated. He has no self confidence and doesn’t think he does anything right. On the other hand, Tigger is energetic, joyful, enthusiastic, and positive. All a Tigger wants to do is have fun. Dr. Pausch knows that he is going to die and he is seeking alternative medical treatment, but instead of wallowing in his imminent demise, he is having fun and living life to the fullest.

With anxiety we spend our time and energy fruitlessly by worrying about things we have no control over, things that are not real, etc… You need to switch your focus and be grateful. Grateful that there is nothing really wrong with you. Grateful for having another day on this earth. Grateful for all the people and things in your life. As he said in the lecture, “Gratitude is very simple, but powerful.” If we are focusing on having fun and living life, before you know it and look back, you will not be able to remember the last time you felt anxious.

There are times you might feel that your anxiety will never go away and it is during these times to remember that nothing lasts forever and this too shall pass. I know when I feel anxious I get very frustrated with myself and fell as if my anxiety is a wall too large to climb. Dr. Pausch spoke about very similar walls. He said that “brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how badly we want things.” If you didn’t care about your anxiety and wanting it to go away, there wouldn’t be any walls. Since no one enjoys being anxious, there are times when the walls are all around us. Next time you feel anxious try to shift your restless mind to appreciating the feeling. I know this sounds weird but stay with me for a minute. Appreciate the walls because they are a symbol of your drive and desire to be anxiety free. Be proud of yourself for how far you have come with anxiety. Recognize the hard work you put in and once you realize you just have to look around the wall, the anxiety will go away.

One of the things I have learned is that practice truly makes perfect, especially with anxiety. At first it seems next to impossible to change your thoughts or shift your mood or whatever you want to call it. Eventually you will see that it is possible to recognize the anxious feelings/thoughts coming on and move past them. The next time you feel anxious bring yourself back to Dr. Pausch’s lecture and remember that he DOES have something to worry about but he chooses to be a Tigger and have fun.

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” – Dr. Randy Pausch

Today would have been my mom’s 51st birthday. She’s probably cringing right now hearing that number. My mom had a hard enough time with 40, I can’t imagine how she would have been entering her 50’s. This is the 4th birthday I am unable to celebrate with her. On the days leading up to the her 1st birthday not being here I was angry. Anger over her never quitting smoking, anger over not taking care of her body, and angry at G-d for “taking” her away from me and my family.

Over time the anger and resentment turned into acceptance and now I have finally reached a place of inner peace with it. Believe me it wasn’t easy getting to where I am now. I still have anxiety over my health from time to time and sometimes on a daily or hourly basis. The thing that stands out for me is that I have finally accepted it. Part of the stress I have felt and anxiety I’ve experienced focused around my mom’s death. Now that I am past that, I am closer to being anxiety free.

Instead of being upset or angry I reflect to all the moments and experiences I shared with my mom. By switching my focus from all the things she/I missed out with each other, I am grateful and thankful for the 23 years I did get to spend with her.

I am also very grateful for the improved relationship we had before she passed away. About 2 years before she passed away we started calling each other everyday. It didn’t matter what we talked about, it just mattered that we talked. On the day she passed away I spoke with her in the morning. She was always trying to improve the relationship I had with my dad and suggested that I meet him after work to go to the driving range. I told her I would. Closer to lunch time I called my dad to ask him about the driving range and that is when I found out he went to the hospital because of my mom.

A birthday is celebrating life, not death. So enough about what happened that day or what happened to her. I’m here to celebrate her and remember the great times we had. She was enthusiastic about anything I was doing even if she didn’t understand it. I would show her code from the programs I was developing in college and she would be so excited about them. Every few months the movie “The Matrix” would come up in conversation and my dad and I would spend hours trying to explain it to her. It was so funny how she just didn’t get the Matrix.

I want to get it across that my mom was not dumb, she was just technophobic (I’m exaggerating of course). My mom in fact was very smart. She excelled in math and outside of technology, was able to pick up and learn anything she wanted to. To give you an idea of how anti-technology she was, here is a list of things she refused to get: Cell Phone, CD Player and Microwave. On the other hand, she loved Nintendo and Gameboy. My mom was a master Tetris and Dr. Mario player. No one and I mean no one could match her skill level.

My mom loved the holidays and always went above and beyond the call of duty. Every inch of our 2 bedroom apartment would be decorated with every possible Hanukkah decoration known to man. I think there was enough to see it from space. My great grandfather hand built a huge doll house for my mom when she was little. It stands about 6 feet tall and over 4 feet wide. It looked like a miniature apartment building in manhattan. My mom would use the “roof” of the doll house to hold all of our presents. She would tape every holiday card we got to the closet doors. Living on the 2nd floor we had a ledge where the stairs were and she would setup her entire Christmas Village collection from Dept 56 on it. We actually moved the computer desk to setup a table for her village to expand onto.

If you ever met my mom, then you would know about her Jeep. We had a 1985 red Jeep Cherokee. Towards the end of its existence it was held solely together by the bumper stickers all over it. I remember one time needing to borrow a car and that was the last time I ever drove that car again. I don’t know how she was able to drive it. The steering was so loose and it felt like at any moment the wheels and axle would just slip out from under me. The Jeep was like a wild horse that only one person could tame.

There aren’t enough blog entries I can make to describe my mom and how great she was. She was a great person and cared about all. She was proud of whatever I did and allowed me to just be myself. She was always there for me and had faith in me when I had no faith in myself. I think my mom tried her best to enjoy life and not worry too much about the future or the past. My wife and I are having our first child in a few months and he is going to know all about his grandma. So here’s to you mom, happy birthday!

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

There are many types of anxiety that a person can experience. Some people are affected by panic attacks, phobias, social anxiety, performance anxiety, health anxiety, and generalized anxiety. It doesn’t matter to me what label you want to put on it, because if all comes down to FEAR. I spell fear like that because it can be broken down into an acronym my uncle once told me when I was young: False Evidence Appearing Real. Whether you are scared about being in a crowd to driving over a bridge to feeling a pain in your body and thinking the worse, it is all brought upon the psychological manifestations of your thoughts.

The most powerful tool in your disposal is your brain. When a negative or far-fetched thought comes across the mind’s eye of a person without anxiety, they are able to very easily examine the thought, realize it to be fake and then push it out of their mind. In the case of a person with anxiety, these thoughts get trapped. As these false thoughts continue to pile up, more and more good thoughts get pushed out without even being examined. Once these thoughts overflow, you end up with a panic and/or anxiety attack.

I personally am working towards becoming in control of the anxiety that affects me the most and that is health anxiety. I’ve always had a heightened self awareness ever since childhood. My father told me a story of when I was 3 years old that I refused to play in the sandbox because it was dirty and had germs. At day camp one year, I think I was around 8 or 9 years old I fell while running and scraped up my entire chest and stomach. After getting bandaged up and going home I refused to eat dinner due to the fact I believed anything I drank or ate would come out of the cuts. To this day if I have the inkling that a certain food might have expired or gone bad, I throw it out or won’t eat it.

Over time the list of health related things I have worried about has increased. Things seemed to hit a wall when I got sick in the summer of 2001. Out of nowhere I got sick one night and was unable to keep food down for a week. The doctor’s could not figure out what was going on and decided that it was Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It took over a month to recover and during that time I was afraid to travel long distances in fear that my stomach would hurt. Getting sick and the doctor’s not figuring out what went on is the start of my disbelief in doctor’s and western medicine.

In May of 2003 with no warning my mother passed away from a massive heart attack. Now I am a pretty fit guy. I exercise, run, don’t drink, don’t smoke, and try to eat right. I could understand if I was overweight and sat on the couch my whole life that there could be some problem with my heart. Out of FEAR I ran to the doctor and had every heart related test done. Everything came back normal of course and for a while I was satisfied and had my peace of mind. As I mentioned in my 1st post, things hit the fan in 2004 with my anxiety.

Over the past 4 years I have gone from eye squinting to headaches to sinus problems to sinus surgery to dizziness to stomach problems to hypoglycemia. During that time frame I have had multiple blood tests, CT Scans, MRI’s, and various doctor visits. I’ve also visited Chiropractors, Massage Therapists, and Acupuncturists. None of my symptoms and repeat NONE of my symptoms are from a physical problem that exists in my body. My symptoms are a physical manifestation of the thoughts in my head. It has been proven scientifically that stress affects your mind and body.

If you reduce your stress and change how you think, I truly believe you can reverse the physical symptoms you are experiencing. I think you should go to the doctor to at least get checked out and once they show you the results and you are “medically” healthy, then it is time to turn within and heal your mind. Dr. John Demartini once said, “Incurable means curable from within”. I interpret incurable not as a dis-ease deemed terminal, but all the false symptoms that exist in your head. Haven’t you noticed that after you get peace of mind from a doctor or friend or family member your “symptoms” seem to reduce or entirely go away? Once you can truly convince yourself and 100% believe there is nothing wrong with you, the symptoms will go away. Personally I am not at 100% yet, but am actively working towards it.

“Intolerance of uncertainty is the core issue for most worriers.” – Robert Leahy

Putting a value on status
will create contentiousness.
If you over value possessions,
people begin to steal.
By not displaying what is desirable, you will
cause the people’s hearts to remain undisturbed.

The sage governs
by emptying minds and hearts,
by weakening ambitions and strengthening bones.

Practice not doing…
When action is pure and selfless,
everything settles into its own place.

To me this verse has a lot to do with what Lao-tzu talks about with the “10,000 things” from the 1st verse. Being materialistic will bring you temporary happiness. However, true happiness comes from within, not from the outside world. By being materialistic you give people fuel to start desiring what you have. If you keep things to yourself and reduce the need to fulfill happiness through objects, people instead see a person who “just is”.

There are some people who go out of their way for others and that is a great quality to have. However, when it is done for personal gain, that person is actually doing it for themselves. They do it for the recognition and even though recognition is not something tangible, I think it still falls under the category of 10,000 things. When you do something out of selflessness, you are instantly rewarded and not stuck waiting for the recognition. The reward is the inner joy and peace you feel generated by your own actions.

“To practice five things under all circumstances constitutes perfect virtue; these five are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness.” – Confucius

Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty,
only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.

Being and non-being produce each other.
The difficult is born in the easy.
Long is defined by short, the high by the low.
Before and after go along with each other.

So the sage lives openly with apparent duality
and paradoxical unity.
The sage can act without effort
and teach without words.
Nurturing things without possessing them,
he works, but not for rewards;
he competes, but not for results.

When the work is done, it is forgotten.
That is why it lasts forever.

“2nd Verse, same as the first. I’m Henry the Eighth I am…”, sorry, I digress. The 2nd verse continues the concepts of duality and paradoxical unity. The dualities mentioned in this verse, I think refers to the 10,000 things mentioned in the 1st verse. The only reason we know beauty is that we define it or label it and compare it to the labeled definition of ugly. Nothing is beautiful or ugly, it just is. Good and bad are mentioned and it is the same thing. We define something as good or something as bad based on our experiences. My wife loves roller coasters, I on the other hand, get sick on them. When we were first dating I used to go on them with her and after every time I would end up getting sick. On the other hand, my wife would be talking about how awesome the ride was.The roller coaster ride “just was” and it was my experience of it that labeled it bad and my wife’s experience that labeled it good.

The next morning after reading this verse my wife gave me a hug before she left for work. As she was hugging me, she said that a hug is an example of paradoxical unity. According to Webster a hug means “to press tightly especially in the arms”. In my eyes, you are both giving and receiving during a hug. Two different things existing at the same time in the same moment. The hug is by itself a union, but at the same time there is the duality of each person giving and receiving the hug.

The end of the verse pays a lot of attention to attachment. Nurturing without possessing, work not for reward, and compete not for results. I think when you attach to things you put yourself in the world of 10,000 things. I think I put a lot of attachment to certain things and maybe this is why anxiety creeps up sometimes. I attach a bad moment to the day and time that it happens. Sometimes, when that day and time come to pass again, in the few days or weeks up to it, I become more on edge, more anxious. All of these feelings are coming from the fear that whatever bad event happened will occur again at the same time on the same day. By letting go of the fact that something bad happened and not expecting it to repeat, I can approach that day like any other day with hopefulness and joy rather than fear and anxiety.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” – George Santayana

The Tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal name.

The Tao is both named and nameless.
As nameless it is the origin of all things;
as named it is the Mother of 10,000 things.

Ever desireless, one can see the mystery;
ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations.
and the mystery itself is the doorway to all understanding.

I am very new to the Tao Te Ching and I had to re-read this verse several times before it truly sank in. The entire verse is paradoxical: day and night, black and white, etc… I think what Lao-tzu was trying to say is that everything has a direct opposite and that when you attach labels to to things, such as “The Tao that can be told”, you lose the quality of it.

It is not until you learn to let things just be and not attach to them, that your true understanding of what is going on around you emerges. This is how I interpret “and the mystery itself is the doorway to all understanding”. It is very humbling to think about all the things I attach labels to and see how much energy I give to them. I’m starting to see that I enjoy things more when I don’t attach a label to them.

One way I’ve been looking at the 1st verse is to put each contrast together. “As nameless, it is the origin of all things” and “Ever desireless, one can see the mystery” versus “as named it is the Mother of 10,000 things” and “ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations”. Separating them, I think you can see more clearly the power of just being versus the constriction labeling creates.

Another way to interpret this verse is based on something Dr. Dyer mentioned in his interpretation. You can look at desiring and desireless as wanting and allowing. In my case, instead of wanting anxious thoughts and physical symptoms to go away, I need to allow them to go away. By wanting my anxiousness to go away, I am actually bringing more attention to it and drawing more of the negative energy.

“What you resist persists.” – Carl Jung

Last night my wife and I started reading a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer called Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life: Living the Wisdom of the Tao. The book is about Dr. Dyer’s personal interpretations of the 81 verses/passages in the Tao Te Ching, an ancient Chinese text written thousands of years ago by Lao-tzu. Dr. Dyer suggests reading one verse per day or every few days and then try to apply it and interpret it for your own life. To do this I am adding a new category called Tao Te Ching where I will post each verse along with my own personal interpretation.